The Longest Day Of My Life Has Helped Me Realize..

So today has got to be one of the longest days of my life. Serenity didn't sleep very well and woke up at about 6 am and I was supposed to go help Jill (Boomerangs) today at around 8 or 9. Well I knew it was a long day ahead of me so i persistently tried to get Renny back to bed and then we ended up waking up at 9 and I was tired, extremely. I called to make sure she still needed me to come in and managed to pull myself out of bed. I got Renny dressed and then started getting myself ready. When I was about to leave I realized I didn't have my keys. I had to walk to the store.. up the street. By the time I finally got there it was much later then I anticipated. Serenity slept for most the time, which was a relief because I could get alot done in the few hours I was there. My sister picked me up with the kids and then we headed to her house. Her and her boyfriend had plans to go to Miami to a UM game, so I was the babysitter!! Which normally isnt a big thing, but now with a 2 month old... its make watching the almost 2 and 5 year old a whole lot harder then ever!!
When we got home my sister left right away... I was left with the crabby hungry kids and a hungry baby. I managed to make some grilled cheese while feeding Renny and then put the girls to bed. Renny fell asleep. I ate as much as I could and then layed down to relax. Right when I was going to fall asleep.. Serenity woke up! Lucky me... I tried getting her to relax and wore her out.. still was fussy. Not sure if shes going through another (oh so fun!) growth spurt or if this time I'm really having a milk issue. Shes been wanting to eat much longer then usual and much more frequently. Im not loosing hope, still keeping her on as much as she wants, in hopes that all it is, a growth spurt.
Anyways.. I finally get her to sleep and close my eyes when in the back of the house I hear Dakota (the 2 yr old) getting up!! It was about 4 now so I accepted there was just going to be no nap. My mom came over a little while later, for plans for us all to go to McDonalds.. so the girls could run around and burn their energy off after eating. When we pulled up, to our suprise.. there was about 50 other kids there. I guess some parkway elementary parent/teacher/kid thing. THIS WAS THE MOST OVERWHELMING THING EVER!! I swear there was like 30 kids running around screaming bloody mercy on that little playground made for 5!! After only an hour Amaya was totally worn out and asked us to leave.. YAY!! Cuz i know it would have been HELL to make her leave. On the way home little miss kota SCREAMED her little head off (another migrane.. ahhh!!!) Luckily its only like a 10 minute drive. When we finally got to my moms house I really needed a 10 minute alone time breather. So I went for a Walk... after a while I took the girls home and put kota and renny to bed.
Amaya stayed up with me for a while, as usual. Cruz called and this is where the "REALIZATION" came into play. He really really upset me because when I went on my "alone time" walk i tried calling him to talk because I needed someone to talk to. He was "as always" too busy to speak. SO i hung up with him. Later when Amaya and I were watching a movie he calls back. He got me so upset by making smart remarks like "oh Im too tired to talk about this, just leave me alone and don't call me"... He got me on a Roll. I went off on how upset I am with how unappreciative he is toward me and how can a mother whose as nice as him mom raise such a MESSED up son. Anyways he got me so upset that I ended up taking it out on Amaya because it was 10 and I asked her to go to sleep and as always, she tested me. I went to pick her up to bring her into bed and she threw herself onto the ground, making myself trip over her and landing on my knee (which hurt extremely bad!!) She then got scared because I screamed in pain and RAN to her room. Cruz didnt say anything. I then just expressed that Im not doing this anymore. Every time HE upsets me, i end up hurting or taking it out on someone else. In hopes He'll appreciate me one day. But if he hasnt changed in a year, he wont.

ANyways. It got me thinking after I layed on the couch... If i continue down this road with him.. this is how I will be to Serenity. Yelling at her years from now because her, like every other kid, will test me at the wrong time (to me.. because i would be upset) and i would turn it onto her. I want to be the cool mom. THat stays up watching movies, eating popcorn, doing eachothers hair and nails.. all that. Not the psycho mom that yells and screams out of anger. Im not going to do that. I know theres a man out there who will be good to me. Who will want to make me happy and who will do all the wonderful nice things for me like buy me things, take me out, spend quality time, run me a bath, put rose petals on the bed.. anything!!! Someone who will love me for me and love and care for Renny. I REFUSE to allow anymore pain onto the child that she has already felt from being inside me and since shes been born. I need to stay with my word. Maybe he'll learn to appreciate me, or maybe Ill just see the truth and a new person will come along. Either way, I have faith that god will bless me with a better life.

either way.. heres an adorable video of Serenity talking to her new pink poodle toy. I hope the video will work. If not (LAUREN) I need your help!!!