IM TIRED OF IT ALL

I am so tired of someone making me feel less then I am.. Im tired of people not respecting who I am or my wishes. Im tired of being tired everyday, not getting a break... not being able to help my money situation or my moms. Im tired of life in general.. im tired of putting my heart out there.. Im tired of doing everything I can and just feeling like Im helpless at the end of the day. Im tired of feeling trapped and alone!!

I dont understand it. I had a baby by someone so heartless and uncaring. Why is it so difficult for men to changE? or maybe its just that they have to become a REAL man to change.. and most the time theyre not ready. I have changed so much in the past year and I feel like no body sees it. I feel like every1 is unappreciative of the change ive went through. Im sick of my mom telling me I am depressed looking and Im loosing weight and not eating enough every day. Im tired of lying to everyone and saying that life is okay. Im tired of not wanting to leave the house to go to make money because I know how stressful it can be and how much Im messing up the babies schedule by being there..

Im tired of wanting or needing to go somewhere and having to leave Renny with my mom, because her shitty dad isnt here. Im tired of having to beg for money! Im tired of his mother giving him reasons to not be here and to not take care of us... Im tired of having to rely on him. I need to make money and be relaxed. I want to go outside and scream!! I want to lay in the bed and cry. I try to make new frineds, talk to new people, hang with old ones, go out, but in the end.. Im still hurt and sad.

I hate my situation.. not that I have a daughter, because I love that. But doing it alone, I HATE... feeling trapped like theres no way out, listening to everyone argue over here... i hate trying to prove to someone that Im a good person, when they dont appreciate me! I hate hurting inside... and wanting to pull away and knowing i need to, but then too scared to. I want to move on and find someone who loves me, but then feel bad doing it!

I just wish I could get blessed somehow.. I wish I could pack my things up and start over. I wish I could help my mother... I wish I could help myself!!!

The Longest Day Of My Life Has Helped Me Realize..

So today has got to be one of the longest days of my life. Serenity didn't sleep very well and woke up at about 6 am and I was supposed to go help Jill (Boomerangs) today at around 8 or 9. Well I knew it was a long day ahead of me so i persistently tried to get Renny back to bed and then we ended up waking up at 9 and I was tired, extremely. I called to make sure she still needed me to come in and managed to pull myself out of bed. I got Renny dressed and then started getting myself ready. When I was about to leave I realized I didn't have my keys. I had to walk to the store.. up the street. By the time I finally got there it was much later then I anticipated. Serenity slept for most the time, which was a relief because I could get alot done in the few hours I was there. My sister picked me up with the kids and then we headed to her house. Her and her boyfriend had plans to go to Miami to a UM game, so I was the babysitter!! Which normally isnt a big thing, but now with a 2 month old... its make watching the almost 2 and 5 year old a whole lot harder then ever!!
When we got home my sister left right away... I was left with the crabby hungry kids and a hungry baby. I managed to make some grilled cheese while feeding Renny and then put the girls to bed. Renny fell asleep. I ate as much as I could and then layed down to relax. Right when I was going to fall asleep.. Serenity woke up! Lucky me... I tried getting her to relax and wore her out.. still was fussy. Not sure if shes going through another (oh so fun!) growth spurt or if this time I'm really having a milk issue. Shes been wanting to eat much longer then usual and much more frequently. Im not loosing hope, still keeping her on as much as she wants, in hopes that all it is, a growth spurt.
Anyways.. I finally get her to sleep and close my eyes when in the back of the house I hear Dakota (the 2 yr old) getting up!! It was about 4 now so I accepted there was just going to be no nap. My mom came over a little while later, for plans for us all to go to McDonalds.. so the girls could run around and burn their energy off after eating. When we pulled up, to our suprise.. there was about 50 other kids there. I guess some parkway elementary parent/teacher/kid thing. THIS WAS THE MOST OVERWHELMING THING EVER!! I swear there was like 30 kids running around screaming bloody mercy on that little playground made for 5!! After only an hour Amaya was totally worn out and asked us to leave.. YAY!! Cuz i know it would have been HELL to make her leave. On the way home little miss kota SCREAMED her little head off (another migrane.. ahhh!!!) Luckily its only like a 10 minute drive. When we finally got to my moms house I really needed a 10 minute alone time breather. So I went for a Walk... after a while I took the girls home and put kota and renny to bed.
Amaya stayed up with me for a while, as usual. Cruz called and this is where the "REALIZATION" came into play. He really really upset me because when I went on my "alone time" walk i tried calling him to talk because I needed someone to talk to. He was "as always" too busy to speak. SO i hung up with him. Later when Amaya and I were watching a movie he calls back. He got me so upset by making smart remarks like "oh Im too tired to talk about this, just leave me alone and don't call me"... He got me on a Roll. I went off on how upset I am with how unappreciative he is toward me and how can a mother whose as nice as him mom raise such a MESSED up son. Anyways he got me so upset that I ended up taking it out on Amaya because it was 10 and I asked her to go to sleep and as always, she tested me. I went to pick her up to bring her into bed and she threw herself onto the ground, making myself trip over her and landing on my knee (which hurt extremely bad!!) She then got scared because I screamed in pain and RAN to her room. Cruz didnt say anything. I then just expressed that Im not doing this anymore. Every time HE upsets me, i end up hurting or taking it out on someone else. In hopes He'll appreciate me one day. But if he hasnt changed in a year, he wont.

ANyways. It got me thinking after I layed on the couch... If i continue down this road with him.. this is how I will be to Serenity. Yelling at her years from now because her, like every other kid, will test me at the wrong time (to me.. because i would be upset) and i would turn it onto her. I want to be the cool mom. THat stays up watching movies, eating popcorn, doing eachothers hair and nails.. all that. Not the psycho mom that yells and screams out of anger. Im not going to do that. I know theres a man out there who will be good to me. Who will want to make me happy and who will do all the wonderful nice things for me like buy me things, take me out, spend quality time, run me a bath, put rose petals on the bed.. anything!!! Someone who will love me for me and love and care for Renny. I REFUSE to allow anymore pain onto the child that she has already felt from being inside me and since shes been born. I need to stay with my word. Maybe he'll learn to appreciate me, or maybe Ill just see the truth and a new person will come along. Either way, I have faith that god will bless me with a better life.

either way.. heres an adorable video of Serenity talking to her new pink poodle toy. I hope the video will work. If not (LAUREN) I need your help!!!

The weekend.

I haven't Posted all weekend, its been quite a crazy hectic weekend. On saturday my mom and I went to the Farmers Market. It was such a nice day! I bought a new dress which was sewn by this lady and she told me I should by it so I can "Feel More youthful and feminine!" NICE TO KNOW I LOOK OLDER THEN I AM! I wanted to throw it back at her and tell her to keep her dress, but I loved it.

On Sunday We went to Church. Heres a picture of the Happy baby Before we went to church! She was awfully happy in the morning


After playing on a computer for a little while, We got ready to go to church. Heres an adorable picture of her before we went to church.

Renny Boo

For some reason the previous post was not letting post my cute picture. So here it is. Happy morning Renny at 2 months!

Feelings OF THE NIGHT

So last night I felt very down because of the situation of the careless man (well just one careless man) and it got me thinking of the things I see every day. (i.e. all the women who have the survive on their own and raise a child on their own, for all or some part of their child's life!) I think men and women both should take full responsibility for what they brought onto this earth and not let another women, man, job, choice, whatever affect them from taking care of it. So here is my poem I wrote (if you do not know me well, I warn you of the poetry I write. Its always good, different, but sometimes I am so angry and its the best way to get things out!)

The Cycle “He” Causes

Man and Women

Attractions of qualities, both physical and mental

Bring them to meet

Introductions start the conversation

Which soon leads to more

Phone number exchange

Communication and questions come next

Interests come about

They have something in common

Dating comes next

Which is then followed by affection

This then leads to sex

Its fun for a while

You don’t think thoroughly

And then a surprise comes about

You’re bodies not the same

You ignore it at first

Then the feeling gets worse

The stick says Positive

And now life has changed

But who has to stay strong

The woman is the home for that baby

What she eats, drinks, does

Affects that baby

The woman has to, from that day forward

Change her every day activities

And think of baby first

Man is just on the outside

No change is required

He continues down the same path

Woman stays strong

Tries to hold on

Although she feels so much weaker that way

9 months down the line

If he is still there

He most likely hasn’t changed

Man stays around to try

But things get hard

Emotions, Hormones, Crying, New Life

Too much to handle

He leaves

Moms alone

Baby with no father

Mom struggles, sacrifices

Stays strong

For both baby and her

Man is off doing his thing

No change has come about

No emotions, no care

Why are we so different

Why is women so strong

And man is so weak

Why does women hold on

While man lets go

Why is it so easy for Man to leave

And so hard for women to do so

Too many men, not enough dads

Too little women, more then enough moms

Too many children, with only one

It’s not right to bring something

Or make something

You’re not ready to take care of

Man and Women

So Different

Why wouldn’t god have made us the same?

At the very end

Baby struggles, which turns into child

Then teen and adult

Then that same baby

Now adult, has pain

And is down the same road as “Mom”

2 Months And Going... Strong!

So today Serenity is 2 months old. If you don't know me or us, My name is Meaghan Wells and my daughter is Serenity Seline Garcia. She was born on September 6, 2008. I had the birth I planned and I couldn't have asked it to go much better (Other then maybe her not to be posterior, but Id rather that then something else!).

Anyways... Serenity's daddy was involved on and off throughout pregnancy. At about a week before we had her, he moved here to live with us. He was the most supportive person during the birth and I wouldn't change him being there for anything. The following week, he was very supportive and a very great daddy. As the weeks progressed, I guess things were too much for him to handle and at just before her 1 month day, he left to move. I have been here struggling to keep all of her needs met along with keeping my mind staying positive. Of course, thanks to the help of my wonderful family.

It's really hard being a single mom. I know there are people who have it much much worse then me, but that's why its MY blog. I think writing on this blog every day or so will help me to remember and focus on the positive things happening in my life, as apposed to the negative. I can say that more then anything, I miss my "social" life, when you're young and have a baby, your friends tend to think that you can't or don't want to do fun things anymore. And instead of calling, to even check on you, they just kind of put you to their "book of the past". Its sad and hard. (Thank you for LLL for getting me to socialize with other mommies, but sometimes its hard being in there and hearing about all the "wonderful" daddies, and mine is just not around!)

Onto the positive things... Serenity is growing SO much and fast.
*She was born at 6.7 and 18.5 inches. Today she was 10.10 and About 21 inches
*She is holding her head up well, But only when shes sitting on you or you're holding her up
*She hates to be on her belly to play, only to sleep sometimes (only when shes on somebodies lap)
*She loves to smile almost every time someone talks to her, but is very sensitive at times; she throws up the "pitty lip" if something you say bothers her and it is the cutest friggen thing in the WHOLE world!
*Shes talking, or cooing I should say, and I love sitting there just having my own little conversation with her
*Shes still breastfeeding, and I feel like a trooper because only 1 other of my friends is doing it and no one in my whole family (except my aunt) has breastfed
*She does have a very sensitive belly and whenever I eat garlic or onion, she feels it almost instantly and it is continued by a large amount of explosive poo!
*She still has gas, but her spitting up is to a minimum now (which makes me VERY happy!! I dont have to constantly walk around with the burp cloth!)
*She is kicking and being more aware of things around her (i.e. her mobile, bouncy chair lights, etc)
*She stares at me every time I hold her, and I LOVE IT more then anything! I feel like Im her special GEM that nobody else can and will never be!! (The art of breastfeeding! :) )
*I think that's about it for now!